What Do You Do When.....

You received an email from your husband with the subject, "INFIDELITY".  Does it set your heart aflutter?  I have to admit, it momentarily caught my breath.

Then I read the first sentence of the message, "I cheated on you today..." Could it be true?  Could my teasing him about all of his girlfriends at his workplace have turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy?  Is she younger than me?  Can she cook like me?  Yes, when I do SF!  Is she cleaner or tidier than I am? (That one is not so hard.)

Oh wait...the sentence continued.  "but not in the way you think."

Whew!

He goes on, "I have a new 80 year old widow friend..."  It is true.  The SF does like his women slightly older than himself.  In fact, a few have dared to call me a COUGAR.

Okay....get ready for it.....here comes the kicker! 

...."who adores knitting as much as you and gave me a pair of wool socks"

WTH?!!!!!  Are you freaking kidding me?

 and then I laugh in a condescending fashion, "that she knitted on a machine."  My inner knitting snobbery kicks in.  You can't call that knitting!  This is a complete oxymoron.  A mature person (as my mother has informed is the politically correct term to call someone that has one foot in the grave, and the other on a banana peel.) who uses modern technology to perform an age-old traditional craft.

I'll admit, I googled it.  It is documented that Egyptians were knitting as far back as 1000 A.C.  So where did Clare take a wrong turn.....a turn to the dark side?  How much love can those socks actually be made with?  When I'm knitting something as a gift, I touch each and every stitch of that garment and shower it with affection.  Can the same be said for a machine?  Well, I hate to say it (and I know most non-knitters are not going to get this) but I have two words for you.  GUSSET HOLES!



Yeah....That's right!  I'm wearing your socks but only because I had to for the sake of the blog.  Come to think of it, I'm wearing your pj's here too?!



He goes on, "I couldn't say no, and she doesn't care that I'm married to a fellow knitter!!!"

Well of course she doesn't!  Most cheating bitches don't care that they are tearing a family apart, but I thought my husband had more respect for the sanctity of our marriage and certainly thought he we show more self restraint.  At least that he wouldn't add insult to injury by rubbing his dirty little indiscretion in my face. Shame on you Silver Fox!

His final statement, "You have Wallace and I now have Clare."



Whatever!  Wallace is a hard of hearing dear old mature fella, I think he told me that he is 82.  He harvests the eel grass from the beach and delivers it direct to your home as a means of supplementing his pension.  At 82 he is as spry as any 41 year old I know - yeah, I'm talking about you SF.  He hops up into the bed of his truck and shovels out an entire load like he was a teen.  I'm sure his sweat covered muscles are rippling underneath that worn old flannel shirt.

One day this Fall, Wallace appeared on our doorstep while the SF was at work.  Who needs the milkman?  He presented me...errr....us, with a large bag of potatoes that he had plucked from a neighbouring farm after they had finished their "machine" harvest.  I tell you.  Those were the best potatoes I have ever tasted.  With each mouthful, I think of poor old Wallace, bent at the waist, his fingers covered with red dirt, picking each potatoes by hand and, a girl would like to dream, that he was lovingly thinking of me with each potato harvested. Glad to see that not ALL of the older generation, YEAH....I said it....OLDER, hasn't been won over by new fangeled technology.

The SF closes his email, "Your cheating husband"

I say, you keep your Clare, SF, if it means that I can maintain my love affair with Wallace. Sure socks will keep your feet warm, but will they keep your belly full.  You Dirty Dog!