Starting To Feel Human Again

Yesterday was a pretty difficult day for all three of us. There were plenty more tears shed, mostly by myself. The night before ended with a bit of a mishap on my part. Ernie seems to have a cold and his ears are acting up, so I was on the hunt to find his eardrops. Without much thought, I headed to the basement to hunt for them only to come upon a big box full of Rookie babies and toys. Once again, I was gutted.

So, I had a horrible night's sleep and woke up Thursday feeling emotionally drained and cried the minute I came downstairs and saw Rookie's empty space, which Ernie keeps gravating toward even though Rookie's blanket is no longer there. Ernie seemed particularily morose this day as well.

I was missing Rookie so much that I wanted to watch his video again and I put Ernie up on my lap. Ernie is infamous for watching TV and video clips on the computer of animals (cows, horse, dogs and kitties are amongst his faves) and subsequently going ballistic. He barks and cries and lunges at the computer normally trying to bite what he sees. He actually took a hunk out of a computer monitor once before. Anyway, as soon as I started the clip, he was completely entranced. He didn't bark. He didn't cry. He didn't make any effort to attack my computer at all. Instead, he lied peacefully in my lap watching the entire 7+ minutes, occasionally tilting his head from side to side as he watched the pictures of his brother slowing flash by. Afterward I put him on his bed where he remained for hours. Not sleeping. Not really resting. Just silently lying there with his head hung low.

We thought a change of venue might help him so we moved to the basement to get lost in the TV as we were both consumed by waves of emotion yesterday. He lied in his bed for a while and then found the energy to play with one of his toys and then suddenly it became very silent. Ev and I found him sitting on top of Rookie's bed, gazing off into nothingness. I'm sure he was thinking of his brother and wondering why he wasn't there with us.

Last night I received an email from my old boss, mentor and friend who forwarded me a link to a website about coping with the loss of a pet. As I made my way through it, I instantly started feeling a weight lift of my shoulders. It spoke of forgiveness, guilt, positive ways to honour the memory of your pet. It spoke of letting go of negative thoughts and negative memories. And more importantly, it spoke to me.

For anyone interested who has faced, is facing or may face the loss of a loved one in your future, you might want to check it out here.

Today I woke up feeling a bit more human. I decided to take a few moments upstairs before I came down to Rookie's empty place and it worked. Today I made it down the stairs with a bit of a smile on my face, proud that I was able honour Rookie's memory with a smile, not a tear - at least for this morning.

We also received a special gift from the vet's clinic. As a memorial to the passing of our dear friend they presented us with this gift.

We will cherish it always.